Well it started back in the day when Theresa May was Prime Minister.
Trump had become President of the USA. Somewhere in London on a cold Monday morning a little baby called Boris was finishing his Cow and Gate breakfast pot. He had kept his parents awake all night talking utter bollocks and was set to continue all day long!
He saw a picture of Donald Trump in the Beano. He looked at Donald and said: “he has a bad hairstyle like me”. Check. Baby Boris then said. “He has a crap track record with women, like me” Check. He then Said: “I am rich, Donald is rich”. Boris carries on: “Donald is a bell end, I am a bell end too!”. Double Check!
Baby Boris then calls his mummy and daddy and says: “Look mummy and Daddy I am so like Donald Trump” Mummy and Daddy Johnson try to settle the baby Boris and say: “But Donald Trump is fucking up the USA!”
Baby Boris now Screeches:” But mummy and daddy! I could become the Prime Minister of this country and fuck it up like Donald Trump is fucking up the USA!”.
Baby Boris is now on overdrive: “Mummy and daddy, I can get my friends at Playgroup to help me and stick up for me, Mummy my little friends Dommy and Matty will help me.! Matty can’t count and he poo’s his pants, he tries to beat up girls too! Dommy lies through his teeth all the time and is smary but he’s my friend and then there’s my friend Mikey Wikey – I am the only one who likes him. Matty and Dominic don’t like him, even Miss Smith, the milk monitor at Playgroup calls him the devil child!” The boys and girls on the red team call him Satan!”
Mummy Johnson tries in vain to calm the baby down: “Boris you can’t be the prime minister and fuck up our country you naughty child”. Boris is sooo on one now: “Look mummy I have other friends to help as well there is Grant with his train set and we even have a girl called Pretty, she is pretty useless, she dosent know one end of a kettle from the other, but it will help with equal opportunities. Rishi can help with his broken abacus and Alok is clever – he reads the business section of the Sun! Oh and there’s Benny he can’t fight to save his life, Lizzie is a dumb blonde and Therese, well she thinks everyone who says they are sick is lying!”
Boris starts running around the house ignoring the special Uber that has arrived to take him to playgroup and is shouting “I will fuck up the united Kingdom!” at the top of his voice.
Boris eventually gets taken to playgroup in his special Jaguar Uber with police outriders.
Boris arrives at playgroup and starts telling all his little friends of his plan, unfortunately, they all think it is a good idea. It gets worse when they decide to go through with the plan!
The boys and girls on the red team are now very scared.
Mummy and Daddy Johnson are by now sooo exasperated that they leave the room and retire to the garden to overdose on anti-depressants. Neighbours and paramedics find Mummy and Daddy collapsed in the shed. They eventually recover. They wish they hadn’t!
Boris and his little chums actually manage it…
Some months later Boris gets into Downing Street and is prime minister.
By 2020 baby Boris and his chums have fucked up the country. Everyone compares Boris to Trump and even Boris’ daddy had to go on a reality TV show in Austrailia to get away from baby Boris for a bit.
By May 2020 Boris is forgetting his lines and making big mistakes. His little friends are helping him make the mistakes bigger and better. The economy is crashed and Boris has bonked a secretary and got her pregnant! The whole country thinks it is both very serious and very funny that he didn’t watch the 1994 vintage sex education videos called “Back To Basics” at playgroup! He nearly died too because he was supposed to take earlier action on some virus or other and ended up catching it.
His mate Rishi has overspent on the “company credit card” and he went and got some payday loans. Mikey Wikey is still hated. Domy is still smarmy. Matty is supposed to count tests but gets the numbers wrong, he is supposed to count out 100,000 a day but he cannot manage it! Matty still tries to bully girls. Pretty is still pretty useless. Grant still muddles along with his train set, but it is broken. They can’t afford Version 2 of the high-speed one either!
Apparently they are planning on robbing ordinary hardworking people by thieving extra couple of pence in the pound every time they do a daylight robbery on someone’s wallet or purse. No one has told Boris yet that there won’t be much money in those wallets soon anyway!
The red team are determined to fight back!
That ladies and gentlemen, is how the United Kingdom has the government it has.